Advice To My Daughter On Loving A Passive Aggressive

I actually have 2 daughters and a son. My middle daughter who doesn’t get involved very easily with boys, has been seeing this guy for a few months. She’s 23 and usually is the single one in the bunch, even tho in her heart she has a ton of love to give. She’s just very picky about who she spends her time with. I view this with mixed reviews. In one way it saves a lot of wasted time and heartache not having to go thru the awful break ups, etc. At the same time, I think there are probably a lot of missed opportunities to “what might have been”. She’s very pretty and smart, and can be quite intimidating to the average male. Oh my, do I just sound like the Mama crow that things my baby crows are the blackest, or what? Well it’s all true.

I’ve learned with having teenagers turned young adult children, the fastest way to get them to shut up is to ask to many questions or to give too much advice. I try to not intrude too much, but also keep in touch with what’s happening in their lives, and then be available when they’re ready to talk. My middle daughter and I have been talking.

What came up gave me cause for alarm. She was having a small problem and we talked about how she should talk it over with her short-timed BF before it grew into anything bigger. The time went by until finally what has come out is the true motivation for her problems.

He doesn’t ever compliment her on how she looks, he doesn’t really make an effort to get together, and last but not least, she always has to initiate sex. (Who would think I’d be talking to my daughter about that!) None of this is how this relationship started out. Thus her education had to begin.

I had explained to her in the past that men were really poor at reading “signals” and if she wasn’t getting what she needed, she needs to ask for it outright. They are very lousy mind readers. This new slant on things made it necessary to introduce her to the “passive aggressive personality”.

The first thing I had to tell her was if she was unhappy after a few months, she wouldn’t be happy for a lifetime. The passive aggressive very rarely changes or even acknowledges there is a problem. My passive aggressive has changed a little when I call him out on something ridiculous, but it just comes out somewhere else.

Altho she really cares about this young man, she is smart enough to know she doesn’t want to live unhappily all the time. She’s struggling with the fact that he treats her a little better than the guys she’s been with in the past, but as I explained to her, “better is still not necessarily good”. That also is the passive aggressive’s MO. They are able to say just the right thing at just the right time to make you think the problem is all you. I told her she is very young and she doesn’t have to settle. While I am in that kind of relationship myself, I would have never been able to stand for it at her age.

Sometimes you just have to cut your losses. It sounds pretty cold, but if someone is not adding to your life, what is the point of holding on? She has a whole life waiting for her out there. Go live it happily!

How Do I Love Thee? Passive Aggressively…

Passive aggressive shorts-

Daughter wants to check her MySpace. Computer’s in our bedroom. Passive Aggressive BF sitting on the bed watching tv. Computer doesn’t bother him at all. Big Sigh. Obviously disgusted or whatever. Don’t know cuz he doesn’t ever say.

Daughter drinks 3 of his beers. Daughter puts them back (as she always does) before he even knows they’re gone. I let him know there is an extra 12pk in the fridge that is hers. Had to tell him about the 3 beers. Big Sigh. Rolling of the shoulders to break the tension. I ask him what the problem is. He says it doesn’t matter. I say “Obviously it does. You’re obviously bothered. I don’t know why. She always puts back any beer she takes before you know it’s gone.” “No big deal”. End of discussion. I’m not even sure if he knows why he’s upset or if it’s just a knee jerk reaction. Never says anything.

Cooked hard boiled eggs this morning for macaroni salad. Left two for egg salad or deviled eggs. I mentioned them this afternoon (they sat there all morning). He says he saw them, good thing I said something because he was going to “snag” them. I told him to go ahead. There was another dozen eggs. I’d just cook more. I cooked another half dozen. He never touched the original two that were sitting there.

This one I really love. He hates “fat chicks”. Since closing my brick and morter business, I’ve gotten “fat”. (Gained a lot). For the last few months, the heavier I’ve gotten, the less he eats. Pretty basically, no carbs, etc. He eats hotdogs and sausages without a bun, meat but no potatoes, you know. I guess he’s trying to show me how to eat. All this while telling me “don’t say things like that” or acting like I’m crazy when I say anything about how heavy I’ve gotten.

I just love the passive aggressive personality. I haven’t told him the City finally closed the case on our yard, since we can’t really water anymore due to the draught. I’m afraid if I do, he’ll never touch the front yard again.

Trying To Understand The Passive Aggressive

“A personality disorder in which aggressive feelings are manifested in passive ways, especially through stubbornness, procrastination, and inefficiency so as to resist adequate social and occupational performance.”

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th, and if you live with a passive aggressive I hope things went well for you.

Somethings about the passive aggressive I just don’t understand. I guess no matter how much research I do, there will probably always be things I don’t understand.

Years ago, when the passive aggressive BF and I started living together, we were looking at BBQs in Home Depot one day. He was looking at this really nice gas BBQ that had all the bells and whistles. How much he liked it. How cool it was. Right away it went in my mental filing cabinet as a b-day gift or XMAS gift, whatever.

Sure enough I went ahead and bought it for him. I had heard from mutual friends about what a BBQ’er he was, over and above what he had said, so I thought this was a perfect idea. Not only that, but then I could get out of being the one to BBQ all of the time. That was probably 8 yrs or so ago. He has used it approximately 3 times since I bought it.

I have no idea what happened. I know when we first told one of his buddies, the buddy of his started laughing like heck and said “You were always the one that said gas grills weren’t really barbequing. Now you bought one?”

I also know he doesn’t know how to tell how much gas is left in the tank. It seems to me anyone could just get a new tank. How tuff can it be? I don’t know. If you take it to someone that fills them, can’t they tell how much is left? The other day I mentioned about selling it. Didn’t seem to phase him in the least. I guess he figures I can BBQ on my Weber forever.

What’s funny is that when I had the bar, he loved bbq-ing there. We would BBQ on a Sunday for a potluck, etc. and we had great turnouts. He loved the compliments, being in the spotlight. We’d cook for a crowd of people. Get him to BBQ here at home? Never. Is it because it’s for family vs. a crowd?

I don’t know but he’s gotten his way for the last several years. If I want BBQ, I do it. Thank goodness I’ve been training my son. He’s actually getting pretty good at it!

Learning Not To Push The Passive Aggressive

Cecil Adams, columnist for The Chicago Reader says “Merely being passive-aggressive isn’t a disorder but a behavior — sometimes a perfectly rational behavior, which lets you dodge unpleasant chores while avoiding confrontation. It’s only pathological if it’s a habitual, crippling response reflecting a pervasively pessimistic attitude.”

I know better. I have suggested calls to his mother, calls to his kids, calls to get a haircut. The answer is always the same. Either “I was going to do that today” or “I’m going to do that a little later”.

The next day I ask “Did you call so and so?”

“Oh, I forgot. I’m such an idiot!”

I bought the passive aggressive BF a satellite radio for Father’s Day. It didn’t work so we bought a new car radio so the satellite radio would work. Still doesn’t work. Checked with the guys at the car stereo shop. Gave him the harness he needs and found out there’s an amplifier in the very back of the car we didn’t know about. It’s blowing fuses like crazy.

5:44pm I suggested calling the stereo place and see if they can give ideas as to why the fuses keep blowing. Reply: Can’t call. They’re closed by now. I’ll call tomorrow.

2nd day- 5:30pm  BF: “I think I’ll call the stereo place. I wanted to check thru everything first before I called”

Me: “Aren’t they closed? When I suggested yesterday that you call because most those places don’t close until 6, you said they would be closed. It was too late to get ahold of anyone.”

BF: “Oh I did?” and he proceeds to call and talk to someone.

Obvious lesson? He’ll call when he’s darn good and ready. If I suggest it he may never do it. This comes from the passive aggressive need to rebel against anyone in authority and no matter how close you think you are, that includes you. When I’m really on my game, when I suggest he call family, for a haircut, etc. I try to circumvent the “I forgot” with the follow up “Why don’t you call now so you don’t forget?” The passive aggressive isn’t very happy when you start taking away their excuses. While he’s outwardly irritated with me, passively of course, many times it works.

 

Whose Job Is It To Take Out The Trash?

A reminder of part of the definition of a passive aggressive:

“People with this disorder resent responsibility and show it through their behaviors, rather than by openly expressing their feelings. Procrastination, inefficiency, and forgetfulness are commonly used to avoid doing what they need to do or have been told by others to do.”

That pretty much sums up “trash day” around our house. The trash men come every Tues. It can be 6am or 3pm. Whenever it is, you only have one chance to have it out there so they can take it, just like everywhere else. Advisedly, the best thing to do is take it out as soon as you get home from work on Monday nite.

When the passive aggressive BF and I got together so many years ago, one of the things we discussed was the division of the chores around the house. He’s old fashioned and old enough, he believes he should do the “man stuff” and I should do the “woman stuff”. That’s pretty much okay with me. He does the yardwork, house repair and trash. That’s my list of “man stuff”. Since then the house has a ton of defferred maintance, the yard is a constant fight, and the trash gets taken out by him on occassion. (Like a special occassion. LOL).

Tuesdays are his first day off and he likes to sleep in. He also preferrs to put the trash out on Tues. vs. doing it before he sits down to relax Mon. nite after work. It’s kind of hard to have it both ways, so a good percentage of the time it’s me who puts out the trash early Tues. morning. Yesterday it ticked me off because I had mentioned it on Monday night and had rounded up the trash and recycling from inside the house, but we have too many people living here to let it go. I didn’t put it out on a Tues. about 4 weeks ago, but it’s me who can’t get all the trash into the can when I do that, so it’s sorta like cutting my own throat. It helps him be more vigilant for a couple of weeks, but that’s about as long as it lasts.

This one I have not come up with a gameplan yet to keep me from getting myself upset. (If you have read any of my previous posts, I usually have come up with a way to work around his passive aggressive behavior). I’ll have to keep thinking. Anyway, today it will be about the front yard again. Now the homeowner’s insurance won’t renew our policy because I haven’t sent them pics showing the work we’ve done to improve the property. After he mows the front yard I will go around taking pics from the best possible angles to make it look like their “laundry list” was completed. I’m expecting the City back any day now.

A Look At Passive Aggressive in Retirement…

This is actually the third look I’ve had into a passive aggressive in retirement. LOL. My mother has been retired for 10 yrs. now, and she’s pretty passive aggressive, along with aggressive, in her own right. She does the “not so innocent” comment thing, and then when you call her out on it, she attacks. A little different than the passive aggressive BF.

The second look I got was when the BF was out of work for almost 3 yrs. That was pretty interesting. That was when I realized how much alike my mother and my BF are. They say as women, we have a tendency to get involved with men that are like our fathers. I know Freud had a name for it. I just can’t think of it right now. And for me, that’s definitely true, altho I didn’t realize it at the time we started seeing each other. The BF and my father are enough alike, and like enough of the same things, my father would have loved him if he would have known him.

The BF is back to work now after 18 days on vacation (look #3). The front yard never got touched (see previous post on us vs. City). Never again touched the window trim he started sanding, getting ready to paint when he first started his vacation. I have no petdoor or frame on the kitchen door, which he also took apart to fix. Now he will be too tired to fix those things, so while the rest of California prays for rain (We’re in a draught) I am hoping it doesn’t.

We got him a satellite radio for Father’s Day. It was supposed to be so easy. Just plug it into your cigarette lighter and “Viola” it works! Not. We have pretty old cars and one of the stipulations to a satellite radio is your regular radio has to work. Daughter didn’t tell me that. Off we go to buy a new car radio. It was totally amazing how early this man gets up, showers and is ready to go when it’s something he wants vs. like, getting yard work done before it’s in the hottest part of the day. LOL.

We got the radio and a wiring harness. Just plug in the new radio and “voila”! It works. Wrong again. So now it’s time for him to go back to work and the way he drags himself in the door cuz he’s so dog tired after work, I figure he won’t touch it again until his next day off. Not only did he come home with a part he needed that he stopped and got after work (can’t ever stop at the store. too tired) but he’s rarin’ to go to put it together. Amazing.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s the first time I’ve seen him really excited about anything in a really long time. For me, it’s kind of bittersweet though. I see what he actually can do when he wants to, but it also accentuates his true passive aggressive nature when it comes to stuff that needs to be done around the house.

Another day, another lesson in living with a passive aggressive.

I Swear He’s Worse Than The Kids…

Anyone who lives with a passive aggressive knows how they are about “chores”. (If not see the passive aggressive definition in my last post). For the most part if you and the passive aggressive have been together very long, like me and the BF, you learn how to work around that.

The BF likes to cook and he cooks well. I love it when he cooks because it’s usually stuff I don’t cook and it allows me to get some other things done. When he cooks I usually try to have most of the kitchen cleaned up so he doesn’t have to deal with any mess when he’s trying to cook.  The other day there were still a couple of large bowls and a couple of pans that I needed to do by hand. I told him I would get them done and out of his way. His reply was “No, that’s okay. I’ll get them.”

After asking him if he was sure and getting the ok, I left the kitchen. When all’s done and dinner’s ready, I come back to the kitchen to find the bowls and pans had been moved from the sink on the right to the sink on the left, with a few added.

He got me. I know he doesn’t like to do pots and pans. He taught me that lesson when he was out of work and doing most of the cooking, etc. He just either puts a lid on it so it looks like it’s been washed, or he hides the small stuff under the bigger stuff in the sink. That’s the passive aggressive way when they don’t want to do something. I used to expect that kind of stuff from my kids. I had to get used to it with an adult.

I couldn’t resist. I had to ask him “Why didn’t you just let me do those dishes when I said I would? I didn’t realize your idea of taking care of them was going to be just moving them over to the other side of the sink.”

His justification was “I did all the small stuff and put it in the dishwasher.”

I had to remind him that he did not. I had all that done before he ever got out there. That was it. He doesn’t know why. He can’t say he just didn’t want to do them and he can’t articulate why he just didn’t let me do them. It’s the passive aggressive nature of the beast. After living with him for almost 10 years and as good as I thought I’d gotten at the game, he still gets me every once in awhile. LOL.

Projects And The Passive Aggressive…

According to Medline, the definition of Passive Aggressive is as follows:
“Passive-aggressive personality disorder is a chronic condition in which a person seems to passively comply with the desires and needs of others, but actually passively resists them, in the process becoming increasingly hostile and angry.

People with this disorder resent responsibility and show it through their behaviors, rather than by openly expressing their feelings. Procrastination, inefficiency, and forgetfulness are commonly used to avoid doing what they need to do or have been told by others to do.”

And so goes the way of “projects”. The dear BF as I said is on vacation. He has decided to start some new projects with his time off. Not work in the front yard, which needs to be ongoing as the City is on our butts about not being “urban blight”. Not work in the backyard which is overgrown with foxtails, ivy, wisteria (what a nitemare that crap is), snails, and the like. Last, but not least, not to work on the bathtub that has been torn apart for about 3yrs. I use the step to it now as a shelf for magazines. No, he has some new things he wants to get done.

The first day he worked outside and started on the trim around our windows on the side of the house. He had started sanding and replacing the bad wood on the front of the house about a 18 months ago, but when the City started riding us, I couldn’t wait any longer so I went thru and painted “as is”. Evidently he doesn’t like that job anymore this year than he did before. After the first day that project is back on the back burner.

The next day he explains how he is finally going to put a pet door in our kitchen door that goes out to the back yard. The door currently has all those little panes that make cleaning it a pain in the neck. It hasn’t been able to close for a couple of years due to being warped from the weather, and deferred maintenance. His first step on the project was to take out a portion of the doorjam and the threshold. He tells me the new threshold is beautiful. I’ll try not to think how it’ll look against our parkay floor that has almost completely unraveled, little bitty board by board. He’s been working diligently out in the garage (where a tv hooked up to cable and chair happen to be stored) building the new doorjam for a few days now. I guess while you’re waiting for paint to dry on one thing there’s an unwritten law about not being able to do anything else.

Don’t get me wrong. I have plenty of unfinished projects also. That’s the one nice thing about being with a passive aggressive. I don’t know how pissed off he is about everything being such a wreck because he never actually says anything. (In the meantime I’m working on “uncluttering” my life). We’ll probably finish our projects about the same time. LOL

He’s Getting Even With Me All Day…

The passive aggressive BF is now officially on vacation. Let the games begin! LOL. Yesterday was the oldest granddaughter’s graduation, and while we haven’t seen them in years due to scheduling conflicts, this worked out perfectly, except I was running late. Quite late. My bad.

Of course he doesn’t say anything and is quite patient while I proceed to pack the gifts, get ready, etc. He’s watching TV and I know very aware of how far along I am in the process heading toward leaving the house. He knows what we have to do, but until I specifically ask him, there is definitely no volunteering to help with anything.

On the way out of town I pull into a Wendy’s drive thru to get an ice tea and some chicken nuggets for the drive. I was already starving and knew we wouldn’t eat until after graduation. The bill was $4.73. I thought I had $5, but I only had $4. I am searching and searching for another dollar or the 73 cents change. He had just gotten $100. Think he would whip out one of those $20’s and just pay for it? Oh heck no! Get even #1.

We’re finally on the road. The car is packed with Christmas gifts from Christmases past when I shopped, but we never saw the family, plus the graduation present.  I’m thinking as I’m driving (I drive because he scares the hell out of me) that I’ll make up the timeloss with speed. Not to worry, until we change highways and come to almost a dead stop in traffic. Yet even with hitting traffic, we get there in plenty of time to visit with the family, the ex-wife, etc. before we head for the graduation. All’s well that end’s well I always say, except it wasn’t over.

After graduation it’s back to the son and daughter-in-law’s for a big spaghetti dinner and the graduate to open her presents. As the BF and I unload the car of our packages to take in the house, he’s only grabbing the “best” presents, vs. the little stuff. I offer the idea that we need to take the little stuff, because you usually save the “best” stuff for last. It’s kind of like a finale. He agrees. It makes sense. We haul everything in and put it on a corner of the couch out in the livingroom. We’ll wait for the right time to give everybody their gifts so we can do it when other kids there, etc. don’t feel left out.

First, we get in the house and everyone congregates in the kitchen. They offer him a beer, no he’ll just drink water thanks. Never asks if I would like anything to drink. He never offers me a beer or a glass of wine. He doesn’t even ask me if I would like a glass of water. Finally the daughter-in-law is saying how she used 3/4 of a bottle of wine in the spaghetti sauce. I told her I would drink the 1/4 she had left. Get even #2.

His ex-wife (whom I love. I knew her before I knew him, I just didn’t know they were married to each other a long time ago) had bought flowers for the graduate. I guess because in a way it was a graduation for the other daughter also (going from elementary into middle school) whatever the reason, the ex had gotten a flower and a gift for the her also. They go off into the livingroom to do that and the next thing I know, the ex is back in the kitchen with the gift we had gotten her in her hand. All of a sudden I realized the BF was nowhere in sight. He was in the livingroom handing out the “best”, the finale gifts, to whoever was in there that we had a gift for! Sure enough, he had gotten his way. He not only got to give the gifts he wanted to first, even tho he agreed to bring in the other stuff, but he started without me. Now he says he “didn’t know he was doing anything wrong, he’s sorry, he’s such an idiot, etc., etc., etc.” If you know passive aggressives at all, you know this is a very common ploy. You start out thinking what a jerk he is, and end up feeling guilty for getting so upset. Get even #3.

He also knows my nite vision has gotten really crappy as I’ve gotten older and I hate driving at night in places that I don’t know. We finally left after some prodding about 10 pm. I had been up since 4 am. Not a good combination for the drive home. I’m sure he kept himself awake to keep me awake out of self-preservation, not to do me any favors.  I’m very nervous so I ask him to get me a cigarette out of my purse, instead of me taking my hands off the wheel and finding it myself. He gets me the cigarette, no light. I decide I’ll just put it down and wait until we’re out of the winding road to smoke it. He gets himself a cigarette, proceeds to smoke it, never even noticing that I’m not smoking the one he got out for me, or does he? Get even #4 & 5. (This is actually a 2-for-1). LOL.

This morning we only have flavored coffee. He didn’t tell me we were out of regular coffee and I didn’t have time to go get any yesterday. (Just like he didn’t tell me when he used the last of the coffee filters last week). The BF doesn’t like flavored coffee. Oh well. He got even with me 5 times yesterday for being late. This one’s my turn and he brought it on himself. LOL. What a sad way to live.

 

 

A Passive Aggressive Backfire (I Think)

“The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility”. And someone else to blame.

I have to say that this was my screw up, but I’m really not sure what to think. If you read my posts the last day or two, I was thinking the BF had started his vacation. I even said as much when he got home from work Mon. afternoon about his vacation starting. He never said a word.

Tues. nite we actually went out to dinner with some friends. I mentioned then about the BF being on vacation. Once again he never said a word. He never once corrected me. This morning I didn’t wake him up for work. Uh-oh. He woke up on his own about the time he usually gets in the shower after his coffee. He looked at the clock, swore a little and was off and running. Now he decides to say something!

Needless to say I apologized like crazy for being such a dingbat. No this was not a passive aggressive act from me for revenge. I truly was sorry that I got the dates screwed up. But I got to thinking a  little later.

Why didn’t he correct me when I had mentioned it earlier in the week? Not once but twice? Is this part of the passive aggressive nature that screws up and then has me begging for forgiveness? If it was a passive aggressive act, it backfired when he was almost late for work this morning, or did he get his way? Here I am feeling very sorry, terribly guilty, and obviously a little stupid. Was this a “win” for him?

One of the symptoms of living with a passive aggressive is always second guessing everything, including yourself. I’m a top member in that club. LOL.